The Great Sacrifice

                When something goes right or wrong, I explain it to my best friend Danny. This last February I had a lot to talk about: my sister, my closest friend growing up (only 15 months older than myself), was about to get married. Danny asked me why I was concerned for my sister.

                “Marriage is hard,” I said.

                He stayed silent for a minute. “What do you mean, marriage is hard?”

                I don’t know what percentage of young people would ask this question, but it concerned me. I’ve been studying various sources on marriage—the physical and psychological implications of traditional marriage versus new marriage models and various other tidbits—and if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: Anticipating the struggles of marriage is not going to make them easy. I may have read a bunch of books and articles on marriage, but being only engaged, I know maybe 3 or 4% at most of the basics of marriage. I can’t even talk about the complex stuff.

                All the single people hear that marriage is hard, right? Or maybe we watch that; all the newlyweds I know are irritated with each other after the first year, and divorce rampages across the country year after year.

                Here’s a thought on divorce and marriage: maybe very few of us truly expect that it’s difficult. What’s your perspective on marriage? I mean, really, think about it. “I’m going to live with this hot guy that I love, and he’s going to provide for me and I’m going to stay at home with the kids.”

                How many of you have that perspective? Women, specifically: how many women are thinking that? Or how many men are excited to spend 8 hours every weekday—not to get a raise, not to get to the next step—to provide for a family?

                I can say with confidence that a few of you are excited. Some of you have been aspiring for a typical life like that.

                But a lot of you are probably thinking, “Ugh; no.” For women: “Stay at home? Care for kids? When I could be contributing to the world and fulfilling my dreams?” For men: “I have a great career!” or “I can take care of myself just fine; why family?”

                There are so many perspectives. For those of you that have fallen in love and want to get married, I plead with you to ask your partner what he/she wants after being married.

                Danny and I have had discussions like this. We just both happen to be pretty flexible, but we have some differences there that I have decided to adjust to. After we’ve gotten married and had children, he would like to provide our children with more responsibility as they grow. He’s also highly ambitious, and I’m pretty passive about huge life goals. It’s been some psychological adjustment.

                As I mentioned earlier, I don’t know much about marriage; I don’t know the first thing about adjustment. But here’s a thought I’ve come up with: if you are capable of adaptation, forgiveness, and apology, there is nothing that can tear your marriage apart.

                For those of you that are married, I’m sure this is too simplistic. Marriage is complex; you have a billion problems, either between you and your spouse or just a fault in your spouse independent of you. But I ask you to be willing to adjust, to say sorry for things that you truly feel sorry about and forgive your spouse of their faults, even if they haven’t asked for an apology.

                When you make vows, you promise to stay together “for better or for worse.” That means your spouse can be better or worse; you are still married to them. You made your promises. It’s up to you to keep those promises.