Friday, November 9, 2018

Marital Infidelity


                I clasped Danny’s hand between both of my own while our car rumbled down the rural highway to his sister’s house. The Sunday evening sun had just hit the western horizon, ready to sink for the night. My heart swelled with happiness and pride; I don’t remember why. I simply recall ecstasy that evening, thoughts of gratitude swirling in my head. For once, life was just good.
                “What are you thinking about?” I asked. He hadn’t talked for a while.
                “Katie.”
                I didn’t mind if he thought about Katie; much as he and I wanted to date, there were some obstacles. Holding his hand only happened while we were driving, and I had told him before that if he wanted to lessen our relationship and go after Katie he still had rights to do that. So I accepted the thought and moved on.
                But he continued.
                Essentially he didn’t know if he loved me anymore; maybe Katie was better for him.
                At that moment, I felt like I should just let it go. I doubt I would still have him if I didn’t fight back. I cried a bit—he was my best friend and I didn’t want to lose him. I also felt that it was incredibly unfair that he would leave his best friend of nine months for a girl who had been flirting with him for less than three, and sporadically flirting at that.
                I told him that I had pressed my commitment as far as anyone I knew of could. I told him that I wasn’t certain of her level of commitment, but she didn’t know anything, really, about him. I promised him that I would love him for the rest of my life with everything I had, and no one else could promise that right now.
                I suffered a bit of damage that day, but this experience of mine is miniscule compared to what I’m really talking about. I’m talking about real, marital infidelity—the betrayal of someone who has already promised their all to a marriage, for better or for worse, for romance or for boredom, for compatibility or for argument … for attraction or for repulsion.
                A caveat to go with this subject: I’m not suggesting that you must stick with a marriage if you or your children are in danger, emotionally, physically, mentally, or otherwise. Abuse and subsequent dangers may drive you away from the home. I’m speaking not to people who have been betrayed by abuse.
                I’m speaking to those who have distanced themselves from their life-long companions because of disagreements, overemphasized priorities, focus on the self, and unfulfilled needs. Think about why you want to abandon your partner, particularly if you are married: does he irritate you? Does she avoid having sex with you for reasons she won’t explain? Does he never listen to you? Does she yell at you the moment you walk in the door?
                Depending on the nature of your pre-marital courtship, these issues could either be chronic/permanent elements of who they are or they could be manifestations of an emptying psychological need. Regardless, human beings are generally reasonable—and you were once in love with this person if you chose to commit to him or marry her. When you promised to stay together, you promised to overcome struggles together.
                Because I don’t know what you’re going through, I can’t give you particular advice. I can only suggest a single idea: if you find yourself thinking about your needs and how terrible your partner, maybe think more about how you can meet their needs like you did before you got married or were able to move in together. I guarantee that if you can change your focus, it will change your marriage.

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