“Girls
talk too much.”
Sound
familiar? Maybe you’ve heard this around, but I was specifically quoting Disney’s
Peter Pan. For all of you girls who
have an ex-boyfriend, this statement has probably offended you in the past. For
you boys who have an ex-girlfriend, you probably felt this way three times as
often as you said anything.
This
stereotype is already negative … and I confess I’m not about to take a positive
spin on it. I’m going to glance at a more solemn side of the issue. But I am
going to hopefully give you a way to eliminate both this stereotype and the
stereotype of the detached, zoned-out boyfriend.
I
think, branching out from these two stereotypes, we can say that the most
common relationship problem is communication; I’m not just talking about
romantic relationships, but all relationships—I would say this is especially
true with your parents, siblings, and closest friends. And I won’t venture to
say that this “girls talk too much, guys don’t listen” deal is the reason your
relationship is struggling.
But
I think it’s a huge part of it: if communication isn’t happening, someone is
talking and someone isn’t listening. It could be both of you.
Maybe
you take turns talking—or shouting, as the case may be. Maybe you’re an
excellent empathizer—and you never say your own opinion at all.
Effective
communication requires that you make a balance: listen, then talk. But don’t
just listen: empathize. Don’t just talk: disclose your real feelings.
Both
of these ideas take quiet emotions. Say you just got home from an insane day of
work: your boss shouted at you because your coworker that was supposed to help
you with your project didn’t show up and you couldn’t get everything done on
time. Marion from the next cubicle asked to borrow your iPad and accidentally
stepped on the screen. There were too many clients today, and you had to work
three times as much as usual.
Maybe
you came home hoping your spouse would lovingly open the door, accept you,
cuddle you, and listen to all of your woes. Or maybe you came home just to seek
your own refuge, duck into your bedroom and vent to yourself about what you
were going to do to Marion tomorrow.
And
then your spouse yells at you the moment you walk in the door: “How could you
forget to take the garbage to the road?! It hasn’t been out in two weeks! The house
smells awful!”
I
suppose I’m talking more to the guys, but this example could apply to anyone.
After such a terrible day, why would you take this poking from your spouse?
Chances
are you would defend yourself, maybe start yelling back about Marion. Or maybe
you would just hide.
But
let me mention what the spouse was going through: not only did he/she throw up
all day because of the smell of the garbage, but maybe he was late for work as
a result and got yelled at in the office. Maybe she had some crazy clients that
day too.
Points
like this are the moments at which communication suddenly doesn’t seem so
important, when your emotions are so riled up. But this is the point at which
calming down and expressing empathy is the most crucial. What strength would it
add to your relationship to come back into the room after you’ve yelled at each
other and ask the spouse how he/she is feeling? How much would it impact your
life if you listened, non-judgmental and empathetic for 10 minutes, and then
held your spouse and told them you were sorry?
How
much would it impact you if your spouse did the same thing to you?
It’s
something to think about. This isn’t going to be well accepted by everyone,
much less adopted by everyone. It’s hard to take in any level of empathy when
you are upset, but I think it is worth your time to try.
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