Dating

                Once I learned how to walk, I also learned how to find the darkest corner of a social situation; the spotlight burned my confidence and I didn’t want eyes on me. I’m a born wallflower. Hanging out, friendships, dating, going out for an evening, talking during class—not for me. I didn’t enjoy any of it. People always talked about Prom like it was fun; I counted down the minutes until 10:00 every time I went to any dance, and I asked my dad to set an early curfew.

                Getting to college, I anticipated I would have to change and ask tons of guys out on dates. Somehow I imagined a magical transition; somehow I would become confident and happy and fluent in social cues.

                Asperger’s and anxiety balled up into a 17-year-old homeschooled student didn’t exactly help my efforts, and I never blossomed into the college scene.

                I still tried to go on dates … and discovered that while I was at home for school the world had muddied the dating waters: no one on my campus dated regularly. I didn’t think much of it (I was merely disappointed) until I started going to student assemblies and meetings. Faculty members and older adults, since the semester I began attending here, have persisted in pressing us to date. They presented statistics, religious concepts, and campus-wide surveys to show the value of dating.

                Mom and Dad went on tons of dates in college; my therapists and teachers went on plenty of dates in college. What happened?

                All of the dates turned to “hanging out,” or groups of boys and girls in large, mingling numbers.

                I hung out in big groups two or three times—but I never liked being around people in college. I thought I would grow up, but that’s all right; I have a friend or two now. I didn’t realize, as I hung out those few times, that most people fell into quick romantic relationships or hook-ups because they would hang out in huge groups.

                Most people perhaps find hanging out to be easier: dates require one person to pay for everything. Maybe they imply something bigger than a friendship. I’m sure the social implications of dating are different depending on where you are.

                I’m from a unique culture; we’re not too diverse in the little 1500-person Idahoan city. Dates were either a standard way to attend Prom or a way to get a significant other; there wasn’t really much of a thing like “casual dating.” And in the rest of the world there really isn’t “casual dating” either.

                But is this truly a problem? Is there anything wrong with it? If hanging out is more relaxed, then it should be better … right?

                Not really.

                Hanging out in a group environment cuts off your capacity to interact one on one. Imagine if you hung out with an incredibly young lady, or young man, for three months and decided to get married or cohabit. I don’t know how common that is; it certainly wasn’t my experience. Regardless: how much would you really know about your significant other? They could tell you every empirical detail about themselves, everything they aspired to be. You could have their autobiography memorized.

                But what would that say about their character?

                Here’s something beautiful that dating offers unlike any other form of male-female interaction: dating offers you a position where you can see your partner’s responsibility level, their behaviors over a variety of activities, and so on.

                I’ve had it described to me in a way I’ll never forget, mostly because I acted on it—say a young man takes a young lady on a hike, and he provides the food. What does she learn about him? She learns about how well he deals with small hardships, like a hike. She learns whether or not he’s patient with her if she’s slow, or if he’s persistent should she be faster than he. She learns that he’s willing to provide. What does he learn about her? He learns whether or not she has good endurance; whether or not she complains; whether or not she’s grateful for his efforts.

                This is one example of hundreds; any unique, simple date can help you learn more about your significant other than hanging out in an apartment ever will.