Defending Marriage and Family

I love the family I came from. We had it pretty easy; Dad was always a good, hard-working provider, so Mom was always at home and available. I understand that most people don't have that experience, and I don't want to downplay their hardworking families at all. But I can rant about the strength and admirable qualities of my family members, so I will. Sis was a good leader, and always responsible. She set lots of good examples for me. Spencer was always really enthusiastic about humor, tried to keep everything light-hearted. Abby, despite looking like a cold-hearted ninja, can melt you with a hug. I don't know what your siblings were like; maybe you didn't have any. But I know that the examples and little quirks of my family have shaped me into who I am ... that I would be nothing without them. I think a lot of us could agree with that principle.
This post might get a little more opinionated than usual, but I'm going to say that I defend the idea of traditional marriage. I think discrimination is wrong, even against those who have chosen to have families outside of wedlock. But as I've been going through my classes this semester, I've recognized that the complementary unity of a father and a mother bound together in a binding way contributes to the safety and happiness not only of their children, but of society. I know it might not seem logical, but think about it for a minute: marriages, with the complementary roles of father and mother, keep children educated and loved by powerful, influential joint forces. Those children learn how to keep relationships, commitments, and promises; they go on to create a chain reaction of that in school and the workplace. I promote marriage as a way to keep the world together.
Beyond marriage, family in general is a good way to keep the world held together. It's like someone set up a support system for the individual in times of need ... and I'm of the opinion that someone did. Generally we turn to loving family members, any that are available, for assistance in times of financial, emotional, or redemptive need. I studied a small drop of the culture in Mexico for my Family Relations class this semester, and family is everything to them. When families immigrate to the US, they lose that family connection and life quality diminishes. I think connections with our family members can bring the richest joy to our lives.
Danny and I have only been married for three weeks, but I'm very grateful for the things he's taught me. I've never been so stressed and happy in my life; I don't know the least bit about marriage for myself yet. What I repeat are statistics ... but I've started that adventure and I pray I will always be determined to finish it. I hope all of you can reflect on the family, what it means in your life--why the existence of your family is valuable to the rest of the world.

Respectful Parenting

                This week, I had the opportunity to watch a video on parenting. I love researching the family—and a lot of the typical family situations of American society are new to me. This video had an example of a “disrespectful” parent. Like most of you, I probably would have thought this situation to be normal for a parent, not disrespectful.

                The teenage daughter, Jada, lounged on the couch in the living room with all of her stuff strewn across the floor and furniture. She jammed to her music until her mother marched in the room and called her name. “Jada! How disrespectful of you to ignore me like that. When I talk, I expect you to listen! If you don’t get this mess cleaned up right this instant you’re going to be in big trouble, young lady.”

                In the video, the roles then swapped.

                The mother lounged on the couch—the mess was gone, but she jammed to the same song. Jada marched in the room. “Mom! How disrespectful of you to ignore me like that. When I talk, I expect you to listen! If you don’t drive me to the mall right this instant you’re going to be in big trouble, middle-aged woman.”

                I always felt, because my parents both had powerful but respectful demeanors, that parents had the reins and you did what they said because you respected them overall. When I watched this video, I assumed—at first—that the mother was automatically in the right.

                But with parenting becoming a reality in the next few years, I realized that the mother was causing a problem for her teenager.

                I could make this post with a million different parenting tips and points, but I’m going to only make one: as a parent, as a spouse, as anyone in any kind of relationship that you care about, be respectfully firm in your position.

                While this concept applies to basically everything, I’ll apply it only to parenting here. I’m sure some of you parents, or maybe some that aren’t parents yet, are skeptical of the idea of respectful parenting. “My kids only do what I want when I shout at them and threaten them and physically drag them around; respect isn’t going to work.”

                What are you teaching your kids, though, if you shout and threaten and physically accomplish what your kids won’t accomplish for you?

                Kids imitate their parents. Maybe that sounds silly right now: “But my teenager talks back to me. They shout and they’re disrespectful, even before I yell at them …”

                If they’re expecting you to yell eventually, maybe they’re just getting a headstart to prove that they can be equal to you.

                Here’s a stanza from a popular song that might be helpful in describing this principle:

                “… [M]y four year old said a four letter word/That started with ‘s,’ and I was concerned./So I said, “Son, now where did you learn to talk like that?”/He said, “I’ve been watching you, Dad, ain’t that cool?”

                I laugh every time I hear this. When I’m a parent, perhaps I’ll see this as my own mistake: our behaviors are reflected in intelligent, observant children that, on their deepest, most subconscious level, just want to be like Mom and Dad, the people that have always taken care of them. If we are in a habit of being dictators to our kids or expecting them to do everything that we want, why should we expect children that are intelligent and yearning to be independent to just adhere and be respectful? Either they will learn to fight back in pursuit of their natural rights or withdraw and collapse on the inside.

                Basically it boils down to some variation on the Golden Rule: “Do unto your children as you would have your children do to EVERYONE.” If you treat your children with respect, the very people that you could show the least amount of respect to and get away with it in the moment, they will learn how to treat others with respect.

Fatherhood as Crucial

                I’m not going to deny that I had an insanely tranquil, easy childhood. I didn’t have any of the divorce, rape, abuse, or even quarreling that seems to ravage through families across America. I credit my parents … I credit my father. And I am crushed to see fathers protrayed in the media and in broken families across the country as either useless or self-centered. This mentality is leading to a lot of studies on the subject of fatherless homes and the impact fathers really have on children.

                A 2011 article from Child: Care, Health, and Development analyzed over 2000 Chinese students between ages 11 and 23. Over 1000 of these participants did not have a present father, and here are a few points about fathers that the article presented.

                The first observation: “[M]ost peasants have to leave their children in their hometown when immigrating to metropolitan areas … only 10.5% of Chinese rural left-behind children live with their fathers now, and impressively, their fathers were usually absent when they were very young …” In pursuit of work and the capacity to provide for a family, fathers have to leave their families; this is not just the case in China. If a man has a full-time job, he’s away from the home about 60 hours a week. This is almost like being separated from the family. If we are seeing declines in child well-being and have tied that to fathers, I think the best way to mitigate those declines would be to put priority more on the home than the workplace. Although it hasn’t been proven by science that fathers being deeply involved in the workplace is bad, it’s certainly something to think about.

                But the article doesn’t focus on sources of father absence: it focuses on how anxiety and self-esteem are increased in children by the absence of fathers. They chose these two ideas because “trait-anxiety [is] a possible factor involved in harming self-esteem.” Based on this correlation, if anxiety and self-esteem are harmed, there is no doubt that these concepts will influence other aspects of the lives of the children that are abandoned by their fathers. If the results of this study turn out to match with the original hypothesis, then high anxiety and low self-esteem will not be the only negative implications of father absence.

                From the introduction of the article, here’s commentary on why studies about fathers are still being done. “[T]he influence of fathers on the self-esteem of children could be negligible when compared with the mother’s influence.” A lot of the world disregards fathers because mothers have such a great impact on children. I hope we will begin to understand, as more research is undertaken, that fathers really do have an influence, as will be discussed later in this article.

                Ultimately, the most concise result of the study was this: “With regard to state-anxiety, participants who had an absent father had higher scores than participants in all other groups.” This score rating was done with a 1-4 scale, 1 being “not true at all” and 4 being “completely true”. Basically it’s self-explanatory: we see negative effects, if only in this aspect of psychology, as a father and child are separated from each other. I wouldn’t be surprised to see this phenomenon on all levels of child life.

                And here’s an empirical reason why fathers are beneficial: “[T]he findings showed that children who experienced the absence of their fathers had lower self-esteem. One possible reason for this is poverty. Generally, the family managed by only the mother is poorer.” I can see a lot of Americans calling this idea sexist; can women really not raise families as well as men? That isn’t the point: the point is that parents were designed to work in tandem, and in a country like China it is more mainstream for a man to work. There needs to be someone—ideally a nurturer—willing to stay at home and help the children reach a positive point of self-esteem.

                I can vouch for the necessity of fathers from my own experience, as I mentioned earlier. My father was a source of strength, intelligence, and protection in my home. He would persuade school administrators to help my mother with her classroom when they refused to listen to her. He would challenge our friends to mercy fights to teach them how to be kinder and more gentle. He would never spank or hurt us in any way, but pulled us aside when we did something wrong to teach us how to do it right with logic and love.

                I’ve also been blessed in the father-nature of my husband. He’s always been good at loving children; I anticipate he will be effective at bonding with my children in the future. If he weren’t naturally inclined to bond with children, though, I could choose to have him involved every step of the way: I could help him to get excited with me when different stages of childbearing arrived, and I anticipate that keepign the home a fun-loving environment—playing with my kids and being patient with them—would keep him more inclined to stay at home.

                As shown in the study I referenced, not everyone has the capacity to find good men to be husbands and fathers, but I hope we don’t take the roles of husband and father for granted in our widespread culture.

"Are You Listening to Me?"

                “Girls talk too much.”

                Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve heard this around, but I was specifically quoting Disney’s Peter Pan. For all of you girls who have an ex-boyfriend, this statement has probably offended you in the past. For you boys who have an ex-girlfriend, you probably felt this way three times as often as you said anything.

                This stereotype is already negative … and I confess I’m not about to take a positive spin on it. I’m going to glance at a more solemn side of the issue. But I am going to hopefully give you a way to eliminate both this stereotype and the stereotype of the detached, zoned-out boyfriend.

                I think, branching out from these two stereotypes, we can say that the most common relationship problem is communication; I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, but all relationships—I would say this is especially true with your parents, siblings, and closest friends. And I won’t venture to say that this “girls talk too much, guys don’t listen” deal is the reason your relationship is struggling.

                But I think it’s a huge part of it: if communication isn’t happening, someone is talking and someone isn’t listening. It could be both of you.

                Maybe you take turns talking—or shouting, as the case may be. Maybe you’re an excellent empathizer—and you never say your own opinion at all.

                Effective communication requires that you make a balance: listen, then talk. But don’t just listen: empathize. Don’t just talk: disclose your real feelings.

                Both of these ideas take quiet emotions. Say you just got home from an insane day of work: your boss shouted at you because your coworker that was supposed to help you with your project didn’t show up and you couldn’t get everything done on time. Marion from the next cubicle asked to borrow your iPad and accidentally stepped on the screen. There were too many clients today, and you had to work three times as much as usual.

                Maybe you came home hoping your spouse would lovingly open the door, accept you, cuddle you, and listen to all of your woes. Or maybe you came home just to seek your own refuge, duck into your bedroom and vent to yourself about what you were going to do to Marion tomorrow.

                And then your spouse yells at you the moment you walk in the door: “How could you forget to take the garbage to the road?! It hasn’t been out in two weeks! The house smells awful!”

                I suppose I’m talking more to the guys, but this example could apply to anyone. After such a terrible day, why would you take this poking from your spouse?

                Chances are you would defend yourself, maybe start yelling back about Marion. Or maybe you would just hide.

                But let me mention what the spouse was going through: not only did he/she throw up all day because of the smell of the garbage, but maybe he was late for work as a result and got yelled at in the office. Maybe she had some crazy clients that day too.

                Points like this are the moments at which communication suddenly doesn’t seem so important, when your emotions are so riled up. But this is the point at which calming down and expressing empathy is the most crucial. What strength would it add to your relationship to come back into the room after you’ve yelled at each other and ask the spouse how he/she is feeling? How much would it impact your life if you listened, non-judgmental and empathetic for 10 minutes, and then held your spouse and told them you were sorry?

                How much would it impact you if your spouse did the same thing to you?

                It’s something to think about. This isn’t going to be well accepted by everyone, much less adopted by everyone. It’s hard to take in any level of empathy when you are upset, but I think it is worth your time to try.

Death and the Family - It's Not Over

                I woke up on St. Patrick’s Day at about 4:00 AM in 2010. I shared a bedroom with my older sister, Elizabeth; she had been my best friend since we got over our sibling rivalries before I could remember. I also shared a room with my younger sister, Abby, six years my junior. At the time she was only four.

                But both of their beds were empty.

                I checked the bathroom and the kitchen before I heard a movie playing downstairs. I imagined Sis must have come down with the stomach flu, or they were celebrating the holiday early without telling me. I picked my way down the dark, carpeted stairs, where I came upon my younger sister watching a Disney movie quietly. My cousin Ben had come to stay with us for the school year, and he was there with Abby.

                No Elizabeth.

                “Ben, where’s my sister?” I asked. I couldn’t conjure up anything for myself; it wasn’t like her to disappear.

                “She’s at the hospital,” he said.

                “The hospital?! Why?”

                “I don’t know. She was having a lot of stomach pain, so your parents took her to the hospital.”

                Later that afternoon, she returned from surgery with a small cut in her abdomen. She had contracted appendicitis during the night, but she recovered quickly after they removed the organ.

                Most of the day, I had no idea what had happened, but my gratitude and fear regarding my family grew simultaneously. The idea that I could lose my sister reminded me over the next few weeks—and a little less frequently ever since—that I needed to be close to her. Her issue wasn’t fatal, but I recognized that my family could be on the brink of losing a member at any moment.

                Losing a loved one is one of the greatest burdens a family can take. We didn’t come close to losing my sister that day, and we haven’t lost a single one of us since. But I’ve seen other families where they have lost a member, and I feel like it is important for all families—close to losing a member or not—to prepare for that difficulty.

                Growing close as a family and not taking each other for granted is one of the greatest things we can do to mitigate pain and create a happy family while we are all still mortal. Without doing these things—without appreciating each other—deaths or any other family tragedies are likely to end in great regret, antagonism, and turmoil.

                I hope I don’t sound like I’m making a doomsday prophecy for your family; that is not my intent. I hope you look at this with a perspective of existence after Earth life. I personally do not believe that mortality is futile; I truly believe that there is some reason for us being here more than living, reproducing, working, and dying.

                Think about the idea of just living here and not having any destiny otherwise. What happens to the spirit of life within a formerly living being? Where does it go? Does it truly just dissipate?

                I don’t know about you, but it sounds depressing to me. And I feel like that would only crush a family further and drive them apart from each other: why would you remain close if it wasn’t going to amount to anything good beyond the unknown, limited amount of time you are here?

                Looking at time as a beyond-life idea, family is worth everything that you have. Stressors and pains will attempt to drive you apart, but standing strong and loving each other, working through those stressors instead of running away, will perform more good for you than you could ever imagine.

Marital Infidelity

                I clasped Danny’s hand between both of my own while our car rumbled down the rural highway to his sister’s house. The Sunday evening sun had just hit the western horizon, ready to sink for the night. My heart swelled with happiness and pride; I don’t remember why. I simply recall ecstasy that evening, thoughts of gratitude swirling in my head. For once, life was just good.

                “What are you thinking about?” I asked. He hadn’t talked for a while.

                “Katie.”

                I didn’t mind if he thought about Katie; much as he and I wanted to date, there were some obstacles. Holding his hand only happened while we were driving, and I had told him before that if he wanted to lessen our relationship and go after Katie he still had rights to do that. So I accepted the thought and moved on.

                But he continued.

                Essentially he didn’t know if he loved me anymore; maybe Katie was better for him.

                At that moment, I felt like I should just let it go. I doubt I would still have him if I didn’t fight back. I cried a bit—he was my best friend and I didn’t want to lose him. I also felt that it was incredibly unfair that he would leave his best friend of nine months for a girl who had been flirting with him for less than three, and sporadically flirting at that.

                I told him that I had pressed my commitment as far as anyone I knew of could. I told him that I wasn’t certain of her level of commitment, but she didn’t know anything, really, about him. I promised him that I would love him for the rest of my life with everything I had, and no one else could promise that right now.

                I suffered a bit of damage that day, but this experience of mine is miniscule compared to what I’m really talking about. I’m talking about real, marital infidelity—the betrayal of someone who has already promised their all to a marriage, for better or for worse, for romance or for boredom, for compatibility or for argument … for attraction or for repulsion.

                A caveat to go with this subject: I’m not suggesting that you must stick with a marriage if you or your children are in danger, emotionally, physically, mentally, or otherwise. Abuse and subsequent dangers may drive you away from the home. I’m speaking not to people who have been betrayed by abuse.

                I’m speaking to those who have distanced themselves from their life-long companions because of disagreements, overemphasized priorities, focus on the self, and unfulfilled needs. Think about why you want to abandon your partner, particularly if you are married: does he irritate you? Does she avoid having sex with you for reasons she won’t explain? Does he never listen to you? Does she yell at you the moment you walk in the door?

                Depending on the nature of your pre-marital courtship, these issues could either be chronic/permanent elements of who they are or they could be manifestations of an emptying psychological need. Regardless, human beings are generally reasonable—and you were once in love with this person if you chose to commit to him or marry her. When you promised to stay together, you promised to overcome struggles together.

                Because I don’t know what you’re going through, I can’t give you particular advice. I can only suggest a single idea: if you find yourself thinking about your needs and how terrible your partner, maybe think more about how you can meet their needs like you did before you got married or were able to move in together. I guarantee that if you can change your focus, it will change your marriage.

The Great Sacrifice

                When something goes right or wrong, I explain it to my best friend Danny. This last February I had a lot to talk about: my sister, my closest friend growing up (only 15 months older than myself), was about to get married. Danny asked me why I was concerned for my sister.

                “Marriage is hard,” I said.

                He stayed silent for a minute. “What do you mean, marriage is hard?”

                I don’t know what percentage of young people would ask this question, but it concerned me. I’ve been studying various sources on marriage—the physical and psychological implications of traditional marriage versus new marriage models and various other tidbits—and if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: Anticipating the struggles of marriage is not going to make them easy. I may have read a bunch of books and articles on marriage, but being only engaged, I know maybe 3 or 4% at most of the basics of marriage. I can’t even talk about the complex stuff.

                All the single people hear that marriage is hard, right? Or maybe we watch that; all the newlyweds I know are irritated with each other after the first year, and divorce rampages across the country year after year.

                Here’s a thought on divorce and marriage: maybe very few of us truly expect that it’s difficult. What’s your perspective on marriage? I mean, really, think about it. “I’m going to live with this hot guy that I love, and he’s going to provide for me and I’m going to stay at home with the kids.”

                How many of you have that perspective? Women, specifically: how many women are thinking that? Or how many men are excited to spend 8 hours every weekday—not to get a raise, not to get to the next step—to provide for a family?

                I can say with confidence that a few of you are excited. Some of you have been aspiring for a typical life like that.

                But a lot of you are probably thinking, “Ugh; no.” For women: “Stay at home? Care for kids? When I could be contributing to the world and fulfilling my dreams?” For men: “I have a great career!” or “I can take care of myself just fine; why family?”

                There are so many perspectives. For those of you that have fallen in love and want to get married, I plead with you to ask your partner what he/she wants after being married.

                Danny and I have had discussions like this. We just both happen to be pretty flexible, but we have some differences there that I have decided to adjust to. After we’ve gotten married and had children, he would like to provide our children with more responsibility as they grow. He’s also highly ambitious, and I’m pretty passive about huge life goals. It’s been some psychological adjustment.

                As I mentioned earlier, I don’t know much about marriage; I don’t know the first thing about adjustment. But here’s a thought I’ve come up with: if you are capable of adaptation, forgiveness, and apology, there is nothing that can tear your marriage apart.

                For those of you that are married, I’m sure this is too simplistic. Marriage is complex; you have a billion problems, either between you and your spouse or just a fault in your spouse independent of you. But I ask you to be willing to adjust, to say sorry for things that you truly feel sorry about and forgive your spouse of their faults, even if they haven’t asked for an apology.

                When you make vows, you promise to stay together “for better or for worse.” That means your spouse can be better or worse; you are still married to them. You made your promises. It’s up to you to keep those promises.

Dating

                Once I learned how to walk, I also learned how to find the darkest corner of a social situation; the spotlight burned my confidence and I didn’t want eyes on me. I’m a born wallflower. Hanging out, friendships, dating, going out for an evening, talking during class—not for me. I didn’t enjoy any of it. People always talked about Prom like it was fun; I counted down the minutes until 10:00 every time I went to any dance, and I asked my dad to set an early curfew.

                Getting to college, I anticipated I would have to change and ask tons of guys out on dates. Somehow I imagined a magical transition; somehow I would become confident and happy and fluent in social cues.

                Asperger’s and anxiety balled up into a 17-year-old homeschooled student didn’t exactly help my efforts, and I never blossomed into the college scene.

                I still tried to go on dates … and discovered that while I was at home for school the world had muddied the dating waters: no one on my campus dated regularly. I didn’t think much of it (I was merely disappointed) until I started going to student assemblies and meetings. Faculty members and older adults, since the semester I began attending here, have persisted in pressing us to date. They presented statistics, religious concepts, and campus-wide surveys to show the value of dating.

                Mom and Dad went on tons of dates in college; my therapists and teachers went on plenty of dates in college. What happened?

                All of the dates turned to “hanging out,” or groups of boys and girls in large, mingling numbers.

                I hung out in big groups two or three times—but I never liked being around people in college. I thought I would grow up, but that’s all right; I have a friend or two now. I didn’t realize, as I hung out those few times, that most people fell into quick romantic relationships or hook-ups because they would hang out in huge groups.

                Most people perhaps find hanging out to be easier: dates require one person to pay for everything. Maybe they imply something bigger than a friendship. I’m sure the social implications of dating are different depending on where you are.

                I’m from a unique culture; we’re not too diverse in the little 1500-person Idahoan city. Dates were either a standard way to attend Prom or a way to get a significant other; there wasn’t really much of a thing like “casual dating.” And in the rest of the world there really isn’t “casual dating” either.

                But is this truly a problem? Is there anything wrong with it? If hanging out is more relaxed, then it should be better … right?

                Not really.

                Hanging out in a group environment cuts off your capacity to interact one on one. Imagine if you hung out with an incredibly young lady, or young man, for three months and decided to get married or cohabit. I don’t know how common that is; it certainly wasn’t my experience. Regardless: how much would you really know about your significant other? They could tell you every empirical detail about themselves, everything they aspired to be. You could have their autobiography memorized.

                But what would that say about their character?

                Here’s something beautiful that dating offers unlike any other form of male-female interaction: dating offers you a position where you can see your partner’s responsibility level, their behaviors over a variety of activities, and so on.

                I’ve had it described to me in a way I’ll never forget, mostly because I acted on it—say a young man takes a young lady on a hike, and he provides the food. What does she learn about him? She learns about how well he deals with small hardships, like a hike. She learns whether or not he’s patient with her if she’s slow, or if he’s persistent should she be faster than he. She learns that he’s willing to provide. What does he learn about her? He learns whether or not she has good endurance; whether or not she complains; whether or not she’s grateful for his efforts.

                This is one example of hundreds; any unique, simple date can help you learn more about your significant other than hanging out in an apartment ever will.

HOT TOPIC - Gender as Identity

The Associated Press Stylebook commands the world of journalist language. I had the opportunity to review the word choices of journalists for a class in Spring 2018, and discovered just how picky journalists are. Don’t say “12:00 PM”; “noon” is the right term. Include the names of countries in the introduction, unless it’s a major city, such as London or Seattle.

These nuances didn’t bother me too much, but I stumbled across one entry that changed only in the last year or two. Gender is not interchangeable with sex, according to the AP Stylebook. “Gender refers to a person’s social identity while sex refers to biological characteristics,” the Stylebook insists.

Socially, when did this happen? The term “gender” came from the Latin “genus,” which meant birth, family, or nation. Historically, “gender” divided the world in two: male and female. Gender and sex were synonymous.

Over the last decade, men and women have expressed that they do not follow the social norms stereotypical of members of male and female sexes; therefore, they’ve concluded, they are not truly of one sex or another. Facebook has a “Custom” entry for gender, and there are currently 71 registered genders (some are synonymous with each other, so roughly 50 actual gender denominations) on the website.

In light of these changes, I feel that there is some legitimacy to the claims of those who feel that they are a different gender from the sex they were born into. As a culture, we have placed emotional, physiological, and biological stereotypes on men and women that aren’t accurate 100% of the time. I agree that boys should not have to identify with all masculine activities and preferences; girls should not have to identify with all feminine activites and preferences.

I feel not only that this is a reason for people to be confused about gender, but it might be the root cause. Some boys are nurturing and empathetic; some girls are more aggressive or action-oriented. If there is any truth in the gender revolution, it is this: men and women do not necessarily follow their stereotypes. There is a continuum of behavior.

I think taking these societal misconceptions to the level of changing gender is the wrong solution. We overemphasize the incorrectness of cultural assumptions. Truly, the best thing we can do is accept the continuum of behavior without the complexity of gender confusion. If we are reaching for universal tolerance, it is counterintuitive to suggest that men must act masculine in all ways, and that if he is not entirely masculine then he must not be 100% man.

Society presses this continuum of gender identity so hard that tolerance has been squeezed out while we are trying to achieve tolerance. Society chastises those who don’t tolerate varying genders; society teases “effeminate” boys. Tolerate everything, as society would say—unless it doesn’t fit our rules.

There are also dangers to gender confusion. While one well-meaning transgender man-turned-woman legally uses a woman’s bathroom, another man could use that as a guise to attack a woman. I won’t generalize and say all members of the gender movement are attempting to do something wrong; I believe that most of them are doing what they truly feel is right. But I do firmly believe that making new genders is not the best way to express yourself; accept what sex or gender you are and create the best you can with it. I think this would better encourage personal freedom, simplify society, and help us to find our identity in a way that simultaneously embraces our sex and gender alike.

Balancing elements of this topic is difficult, and I hope you don’t take my opinion as non-negotiable. Find your own evidences; start a discussion. Figure out the truth. And have a great week!

Pilgrim

                We call my mother the “Disneyland Pilgrim.” Born in San Diego and raised to seek solace in Disney movies, my mother would take our modest family of 4 children—while my father taught high school in a tiny town in Idaho—to Disneyland every 2 years or so. Since then, we have taken three families to Disneyland who never had an opportunity until my mother showed them the optimal time and financial way to get it done. Before my two younger siblings were born, my parents didn’t have a lot of money, so my mother had to discover how to make it work.

                Thus I experienced my first culture change before I was 2 years old.

                I remember the first time I acknowledged what was different about California. I was probably 6 or 7 at the time. The women were dressed differently; cigarette smoke flooded my nose; people were loud and tan. For a decade after visiting California, I thought I knew what the world was made of.

                I’ve been learning for the past two years what’s really out there. Sex trafficking, domestic abuse, the plight of refugees, divorce, and severe depression crush the lives of millions. I’m going to continue learning, but a particular issue caught my attention this last week.

                Trump parades the idea of building a wall along the Mexican border to stop the flood of immigrants. Americans protest that Mexicans should stop migrating here; it’s illegal without documents and it’s dangerous for us. Other Americans protest that anyone should have the freedom to arrive here looking for a new opportunity—isn’t that where we came from?

                I hear about all these debates. I’m not very involved in politics; I’m more interested in individuals. But I recently learned that Mexican immigration is not in the hundreds as I imagined: a number of sites say that the number is somewhere in the millions.

                Maybe this still wouldn’t matter to me, or people like me. It’s still a political and economic issue, right? I care about emotional implications and family structure more than major, mathematical consequences.

                I was introduced to an article, “The Costs of Getting Ahead” (Martica Bacallao, Paul R. Smokowski) that analyzed a study of Mexican undocumented immigrant families. Sure: there are economic and political reasons to be on the side of Mexican families or against them. I won’t deny the fact that the consequences of immigration are enormous. This particular article focused instead on the family structure consequences.

                In a highly condensed summary, the article focused on 10 families that they found and heard their stories. 12 teens and 14 parents were interviewed. The immigration process required the father of the family to leave the family for years; he would make money in the States and send it home, waiting for them to come back.

                Many teens reported rifts due to this separation. Mothers and fathers had to readjust to balancing power; teens had to adjust to not being one of the parents in the home. Fathers lost a lot of their emotional connections.

                This was not the only consequence. One daughter, “Nohemi” (name changed by article to protect identity), reported not seeing her father for as long as a three-day period; families were distanced and individuals were isolated even living in the same house. This daughter lamented: “[S]ometimes I don’t see my dad for three days … I go to school, then I go to work and sometimes, I get home late at night, and he’s already sleeping when I come home. And the next day, it’s the same thing.” They became lonely as many Americans now are.

                Having both parents required to work jobs also caused difficulties. One father, “Miguel,” commented on how he used to come home to an energetic and loving family. He said it was easier to recover from the stresses of work when his family was there to love and support him. Now he says his home is “empty and cold” when he comes home; no one is there to welcome him.

                I read this article and thought, “Why move away from a place where you are happy even if you weren’t exactly wealthy?” I sorrowed for them and wished they had been able to find happiness here, since they wanted to leave home.

                Moving to the United States was not exactly motivated by a need to get rich as I expected; the father often abandoned a familiar work environment where he was respected to being thrown to the bottom of the totem pole, trying to understand a language he never had to speak before. This was not because they wanted economic advantage. They revealed that their primary motive was to give their children a better chance for the future.

                I wish I could give all of their personal accounts and express how much I yearn to mend a family, but I can’t. I hope that, whatever your political opinions are, you can walk away knowing better what some of your neighbors come from. Perhaps you will have greater capacity to change a single life.

Parents of Wal-Mart

                My eyes have very specific roles in a grocery store. The first is to spot all the expensive or sugary items I know I shouldn’t buy. The second is to scan the aisles for people I know so I can hide until I’m surrounded by strangers again. The third is to watch mothers interacting with their phones while children sit or stand, begging for attention or quietly pondering to themselves.

                Being a perfectionist, I always frowned at these situations: children often spiraled towards aggressive, obnoxious, or loud behaviors while hoping for the attention of Mom or Dad. Couldn’t they do something more persuasive than abrupt? Couldn’t parents pay more attention?

                Of course, these were the musings of a young teenager. I’m not much older now, and I’m not a parent yet. But as my life has gotten busier and parenthood has become an impending reality, I’ve recognized why parents don’t listen to the every whim of their child. There simply is too much to pay attention to; while children are precious and important, they can’t occupy all of your attention without forcing you to put their lifestyle in jeopardy. Sometimes you have to do the work, pay the bills, and negotiate with teachers, coaches, or secretaries about policy.

                But it’s painful on the other side: I remember feeling invisible as a kid, although not because my parents berated me when I called their name too many times in a row. They were incredible parents, but all of my siblings had my perfectionistic tendencies: any time one of them felt that the world wasn’t right or they weren’t good enough, they would flock to Mom’s side for help. They each asserted their own position, and continue to do so.

                With my innate shyness, I lost the capacity to communicate with my wonderful parents.

                My situation isn’t the same as that for most children, but I would have been crushed if my parents ever rejected me for sake of time or concentration. They always put us first; my mother and father were willing to sacrifice anything for family.

                Perhaps that is where my judgmental nature came from; I watched my parents do what other adults might call ridiculous, unnecessary, or impossible and make their spouse and children the best of life. We were as involved as possible in family decisions from a young age, and my parents sacrificed to provide us with piano lessons.

                Not all parents are like that; for some reason I was blessed with parents that I know I didn’t deserve. But my point is that child persistence against lack of parental response is something we can change if we are in families. For those that aren’t in families at the moment, consciously developing the strength to listen can help you. That will bring your future children—as well as your friends and spouse—closer to you, if that’s truly what you want out of your life.

                For current parents: you have it rough. You’re trying to be a good parent. Sometimes you can’t listen to your children. But if you find that you know more about effective strategies for winning Bejeweled than you know about connecting with your children, maybe think about what you want to prioritize in your life. Maybe Bejeweled is more important to you, but I think you’ll find more peace in your life if you listen to your children.

                For everyone: I challenge you just to listen once this week more than you would have. You have lots of projects and responsibilities, but maybe set one aside for 10 minutes when someone approaches you with something to say. I promise that efforts to give just a little time will have great results. Have a great week!

Blogs Like Mine

Hey! If you're interested in similar content, I'm following a heck ton of blogs that have lots to say about the family. I can't get them to show up on my profile, so I'm putting them here.

A Cordova View on Why Familia Matters  http://cordova-familiamatters.blogspot.com/
A Modern Family Life http://amodernfamilylife.blogspot.com/
Adventures in Family Relations http://abbijense.blogspot.com/
All things family https://beccafam160.wordpress.com
Ashlyn Hobbs Blogs http://ashlynhobbs7.blogspot.com/
Audrey Kaydrey Blogs http://audreykaydrey1.blogspot.com/
Elisabeth Hampton & Family https://elisabethhampton.family.blog
familiesandchildren.blogspot.com/ https://familiesandchildren.blogspot.com/
Family Life: The Good, The Bad, and The Blog Wo... http://familylifegbb.blogspot.com/
Family Relations http://laurensfamilythoughts.blogspot.com/
Family Relations http://jhalad.blogspot.com/
Family Relations http://mehfamilyrelations.blogspot.com/
Family Relations http://sydneyrichens.blogspot.com/
Family Relations Blog From Jaden Sprague https://familyviewpointsblog.wordpress.com
familythis https://jamesjennah.wixsite.com/familythis
Helpful Hints for Happy Homes http://hints4happyhomes.blogspot.com/
Home & Family Relations http://smfamilyrelationstopics.blogspot.com/
Home | Family Relations https://wildebrittany.wixsite.com/familyrelations
Home | Leaving It To Beaver https://sarahandersen8.wixsite.com/website
Hope's Family Relations Blog http://hopesfamilyrelationsblog.blogspot.com/
How to: Family Relations :) http://celestehixson.blogspot.com/
Jordan Hudson https://jordanhudsons.wordpress.com
Kendra's Korner  http://kendraskornerfamily.blogspot.com/
KFAM http://kfamilyrelations.blogspot.com/
L.O.V.E = T.I.M.E http://famalii.blogspot.com/
Leavin' It To Beaver http://leavinittobeaver.blogspot.com/
LIFE - Home https://mdsfamilyrelations.weebly.com
Makayla Carter https://makaylacarter.wordpress.com
Marriage and Family Relations http://jamesrichensfamilyrelations.blogspot.com/
Mysite https://jense2am.wixsite.com/mysite
On The Inside http://ontheinsideofbekah.blogspot.com/
Relations Between Us http://relationsbetweenus.blogspot.com/
Some Thoughts About Family  http://angelfamilyrelations.blogspot.com/
The Facts and Falsehoods about Families https://factsandfalsehoodsaboutfamilies.wordpre...
The Family in a Modern World http://mbfamilytoday.blogspot.com/
THE FAMILY: A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD  http://myfamilybolgspace.blogspot.com/
The Family: controversial topics  http://stacimoore.blogspot.com/
The random musings of a marriage and family maj... http://marriagemajormusings.blogspot.com/
The Reher Deal http://monqiuereher.blogspot.com/
This is a story of a girl who took Family Relat... http://hrwfamlrelation.blogspot.com/
WHAT IS "NORMAL?" - Home https://terinbp.weebly.com/
Whose Your Family? http://whoseyourfamily.blogspot.com/