Fatherhood as Crucial

                I’m not going to deny that I had an insanely tranquil, easy childhood. I didn’t have any of the divorce, rape, abuse, or even quarreling that seems to ravage through families across America. I credit my parents … I credit my father. And I am crushed to see fathers protrayed in the media and in broken families across the country as either useless or self-centered. This mentality is leading to a lot of studies on the subject of fatherless homes and the impact fathers really have on children.

                A 2011 article from Child: Care, Health, and Development analyzed over 2000 Chinese students between ages 11 and 23. Over 1000 of these participants did not have a present father, and here are a few points about fathers that the article presented.

                The first observation: “[M]ost peasants have to leave their children in their hometown when immigrating to metropolitan areas … only 10.5% of Chinese rural left-behind children live with their fathers now, and impressively, their fathers were usually absent when they were very young …” In pursuit of work and the capacity to provide for a family, fathers have to leave their families; this is not just the case in China. If a man has a full-time job, he’s away from the home about 60 hours a week. This is almost like being separated from the family. If we are seeing declines in child well-being and have tied that to fathers, I think the best way to mitigate those declines would be to put priority more on the home than the workplace. Although it hasn’t been proven by science that fathers being deeply involved in the workplace is bad, it’s certainly something to think about.

                But the article doesn’t focus on sources of father absence: it focuses on how anxiety and self-esteem are increased in children by the absence of fathers. They chose these two ideas because “trait-anxiety [is] a possible factor involved in harming self-esteem.” Based on this correlation, if anxiety and self-esteem are harmed, there is no doubt that these concepts will influence other aspects of the lives of the children that are abandoned by their fathers. If the results of this study turn out to match with the original hypothesis, then high anxiety and low self-esteem will not be the only negative implications of father absence.

                From the introduction of the article, here’s commentary on why studies about fathers are still being done. “[T]he influence of fathers on the self-esteem of children could be negligible when compared with the mother’s influence.” A lot of the world disregards fathers because mothers have such a great impact on children. I hope we will begin to understand, as more research is undertaken, that fathers really do have an influence, as will be discussed later in this article.

                Ultimately, the most concise result of the study was this: “With regard to state-anxiety, participants who had an absent father had higher scores than participants in all other groups.” This score rating was done with a 1-4 scale, 1 being “not true at all” and 4 being “completely true”. Basically it’s self-explanatory: we see negative effects, if only in this aspect of psychology, as a father and child are separated from each other. I wouldn’t be surprised to see this phenomenon on all levels of child life.

                And here’s an empirical reason why fathers are beneficial: “[T]he findings showed that children who experienced the absence of their fathers had lower self-esteem. One possible reason for this is poverty. Generally, the family managed by only the mother is poorer.” I can see a lot of Americans calling this idea sexist; can women really not raise families as well as men? That isn’t the point: the point is that parents were designed to work in tandem, and in a country like China it is more mainstream for a man to work. There needs to be someone—ideally a nurturer—willing to stay at home and help the children reach a positive point of self-esteem.

                I can vouch for the necessity of fathers from my own experience, as I mentioned earlier. My father was a source of strength, intelligence, and protection in my home. He would persuade school administrators to help my mother with her classroom when they refused to listen to her. He would challenge our friends to mercy fights to teach them how to be kinder and more gentle. He would never spank or hurt us in any way, but pulled us aside when we did something wrong to teach us how to do it right with logic and love.

                I’ve also been blessed in the father-nature of my husband. He’s always been good at loving children; I anticipate he will be effective at bonding with my children in the future. If he weren’t naturally inclined to bond with children, though, I could choose to have him involved every step of the way: I could help him to get excited with me when different stages of childbearing arrived, and I anticipate that keepign the home a fun-loving environment—playing with my kids and being patient with them—would keep him more inclined to stay at home.

                As shown in the study I referenced, not everyone has the capacity to find good men to be husbands and fathers, but I hope we don’t take the roles of husband and father for granted in our widespread culture.

"Are You Listening to Me?"

                “Girls talk too much.”

                Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve heard this around, but I was specifically quoting Disney’s Peter Pan. For all of you girls who have an ex-boyfriend, this statement has probably offended you in the past. For you boys who have an ex-girlfriend, you probably felt this way three times as often as you said anything.

                This stereotype is already negative … and I confess I’m not about to take a positive spin on it. I’m going to glance at a more solemn side of the issue. But I am going to hopefully give you a way to eliminate both this stereotype and the stereotype of the detached, zoned-out boyfriend.

                I think, branching out from these two stereotypes, we can say that the most common relationship problem is communication; I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, but all relationships—I would say this is especially true with your parents, siblings, and closest friends. And I won’t venture to say that this “girls talk too much, guys don’t listen” deal is the reason your relationship is struggling.

                But I think it’s a huge part of it: if communication isn’t happening, someone is talking and someone isn’t listening. It could be both of you.

                Maybe you take turns talking—or shouting, as the case may be. Maybe you’re an excellent empathizer—and you never say your own opinion at all.

                Effective communication requires that you make a balance: listen, then talk. But don’t just listen: empathize. Don’t just talk: disclose your real feelings.

                Both of these ideas take quiet emotions. Say you just got home from an insane day of work: your boss shouted at you because your coworker that was supposed to help you with your project didn’t show up and you couldn’t get everything done on time. Marion from the next cubicle asked to borrow your iPad and accidentally stepped on the screen. There were too many clients today, and you had to work three times as much as usual.

                Maybe you came home hoping your spouse would lovingly open the door, accept you, cuddle you, and listen to all of your woes. Or maybe you came home just to seek your own refuge, duck into your bedroom and vent to yourself about what you were going to do to Marion tomorrow.

                And then your spouse yells at you the moment you walk in the door: “How could you forget to take the garbage to the road?! It hasn’t been out in two weeks! The house smells awful!”

                I suppose I’m talking more to the guys, but this example could apply to anyone. After such a terrible day, why would you take this poking from your spouse?

                Chances are you would defend yourself, maybe start yelling back about Marion. Or maybe you would just hide.

                But let me mention what the spouse was going through: not only did he/she throw up all day because of the smell of the garbage, but maybe he was late for work as a result and got yelled at in the office. Maybe she had some crazy clients that day too.

                Points like this are the moments at which communication suddenly doesn’t seem so important, when your emotions are so riled up. But this is the point at which calming down and expressing empathy is the most crucial. What strength would it add to your relationship to come back into the room after you’ve yelled at each other and ask the spouse how he/she is feeling? How much would it impact your life if you listened, non-judgmental and empathetic for 10 minutes, and then held your spouse and told them you were sorry?

                How much would it impact you if your spouse did the same thing to you?

                It’s something to think about. This isn’t going to be well accepted by everyone, much less adopted by everyone. It’s hard to take in any level of empathy when you are upset, but I think it is worth your time to try.

Death and the Family - It's Not Over

                I woke up on St. Patrick’s Day at about 4:00 AM in 2010. I shared a bedroom with my older sister, Elizabeth; she had been my best friend since we got over our sibling rivalries before I could remember. I also shared a room with my younger sister, Abby, six years my junior. At the time she was only four.

                But both of their beds were empty.

                I checked the bathroom and the kitchen before I heard a movie playing downstairs. I imagined Sis must have come down with the stomach flu, or they were celebrating the holiday early without telling me. I picked my way down the dark, carpeted stairs, where I came upon my younger sister watching a Disney movie quietly. My cousin Ben had come to stay with us for the school year, and he was there with Abby.

                No Elizabeth.

                “Ben, where’s my sister?” I asked. I couldn’t conjure up anything for myself; it wasn’t like her to disappear.

                “She’s at the hospital,” he said.

                “The hospital?! Why?”

                “I don’t know. She was having a lot of stomach pain, so your parents took her to the hospital.”

                Later that afternoon, she returned from surgery with a small cut in her abdomen. She had contracted appendicitis during the night, but she recovered quickly after they removed the organ.

                Most of the day, I had no idea what had happened, but my gratitude and fear regarding my family grew simultaneously. The idea that I could lose my sister reminded me over the next few weeks—and a little less frequently ever since—that I needed to be close to her. Her issue wasn’t fatal, but I recognized that my family could be on the brink of losing a member at any moment.

                Losing a loved one is one of the greatest burdens a family can take. We didn’t come close to losing my sister that day, and we haven’t lost a single one of us since. But I’ve seen other families where they have lost a member, and I feel like it is important for all families—close to losing a member or not—to prepare for that difficulty.

                Growing close as a family and not taking each other for granted is one of the greatest things we can do to mitigate pain and create a happy family while we are all still mortal. Without doing these things—without appreciating each other—deaths or any other family tragedies are likely to end in great regret, antagonism, and turmoil.

                I hope I don’t sound like I’m making a doomsday prophecy for your family; that is not my intent. I hope you look at this with a perspective of existence after Earth life. I personally do not believe that mortality is futile; I truly believe that there is some reason for us being here more than living, reproducing, working, and dying.

                Think about the idea of just living here and not having any destiny otherwise. What happens to the spirit of life within a formerly living being? Where does it go? Does it truly just dissipate?

                I don’t know about you, but it sounds depressing to me. And I feel like that would only crush a family further and drive them apart from each other: why would you remain close if it wasn’t going to amount to anything good beyond the unknown, limited amount of time you are here?

                Looking at time as a beyond-life idea, family is worth everything that you have. Stressors and pains will attempt to drive you apart, but standing strong and loving each other, working through those stressors instead of running away, will perform more good for you than you could ever imagine.

Marital Infidelity

                I clasped Danny’s hand between both of my own while our car rumbled down the rural highway to his sister’s house. The Sunday evening sun had just hit the western horizon, ready to sink for the night. My heart swelled with happiness and pride; I don’t remember why. I simply recall ecstasy that evening, thoughts of gratitude swirling in my head. For once, life was just good.

                “What are you thinking about?” I asked. He hadn’t talked for a while.

                “Katie.”

                I didn’t mind if he thought about Katie; much as he and I wanted to date, there were some obstacles. Holding his hand only happened while we were driving, and I had told him before that if he wanted to lessen our relationship and go after Katie he still had rights to do that. So I accepted the thought and moved on.

                But he continued.

                Essentially he didn’t know if he loved me anymore; maybe Katie was better for him.

                At that moment, I felt like I should just let it go. I doubt I would still have him if I didn’t fight back. I cried a bit—he was my best friend and I didn’t want to lose him. I also felt that it was incredibly unfair that he would leave his best friend of nine months for a girl who had been flirting with him for less than three, and sporadically flirting at that.

                I told him that I had pressed my commitment as far as anyone I knew of could. I told him that I wasn’t certain of her level of commitment, but she didn’t know anything, really, about him. I promised him that I would love him for the rest of my life with everything I had, and no one else could promise that right now.

                I suffered a bit of damage that day, but this experience of mine is miniscule compared to what I’m really talking about. I’m talking about real, marital infidelity—the betrayal of someone who has already promised their all to a marriage, for better or for worse, for romance or for boredom, for compatibility or for argument … for attraction or for repulsion.

                A caveat to go with this subject: I’m not suggesting that you must stick with a marriage if you or your children are in danger, emotionally, physically, mentally, or otherwise. Abuse and subsequent dangers may drive you away from the home. I’m speaking not to people who have been betrayed by abuse.

                I’m speaking to those who have distanced themselves from their life-long companions because of disagreements, overemphasized priorities, focus on the self, and unfulfilled needs. Think about why you want to abandon your partner, particularly if you are married: does he irritate you? Does she avoid having sex with you for reasons she won’t explain? Does he never listen to you? Does she yell at you the moment you walk in the door?

                Depending on the nature of your pre-marital courtship, these issues could either be chronic/permanent elements of who they are or they could be manifestations of an emptying psychological need. Regardless, human beings are generally reasonable—and you were once in love with this person if you chose to commit to him or marry her. When you promised to stay together, you promised to overcome struggles together.

                Because I don’t know what you’re going through, I can’t give you particular advice. I can only suggest a single idea: if you find yourself thinking about your needs and how terrible your partner, maybe think more about how you can meet their needs like you did before you got married or were able to move in together. I guarantee that if you can change your focus, it will change your marriage.

The Great Sacrifice

                When something goes right or wrong, I explain it to my best friend Danny. This last February I had a lot to talk about: my sister, my closest friend growing up (only 15 months older than myself), was about to get married. Danny asked me why I was concerned for my sister.

                “Marriage is hard,” I said.

                He stayed silent for a minute. “What do you mean, marriage is hard?”

                I don’t know what percentage of young people would ask this question, but it concerned me. I’ve been studying various sources on marriage—the physical and psychological implications of traditional marriage versus new marriage models and various other tidbits—and if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: Anticipating the struggles of marriage is not going to make them easy. I may have read a bunch of books and articles on marriage, but being only engaged, I know maybe 3 or 4% at most of the basics of marriage. I can’t even talk about the complex stuff.

                All the single people hear that marriage is hard, right? Or maybe we watch that; all the newlyweds I know are irritated with each other after the first year, and divorce rampages across the country year after year.

                Here’s a thought on divorce and marriage: maybe very few of us truly expect that it’s difficult. What’s your perspective on marriage? I mean, really, think about it. “I’m going to live with this hot guy that I love, and he’s going to provide for me and I’m going to stay at home with the kids.”

                How many of you have that perspective? Women, specifically: how many women are thinking that? Or how many men are excited to spend 8 hours every weekday—not to get a raise, not to get to the next step—to provide for a family?

                I can say with confidence that a few of you are excited. Some of you have been aspiring for a typical life like that.

                But a lot of you are probably thinking, “Ugh; no.” For women: “Stay at home? Care for kids? When I could be contributing to the world and fulfilling my dreams?” For men: “I have a great career!” or “I can take care of myself just fine; why family?”

                There are so many perspectives. For those of you that have fallen in love and want to get married, I plead with you to ask your partner what he/she wants after being married.

                Danny and I have had discussions like this. We just both happen to be pretty flexible, but we have some differences there that I have decided to adjust to. After we’ve gotten married and had children, he would like to provide our children with more responsibility as they grow. He’s also highly ambitious, and I’m pretty passive about huge life goals. It’s been some psychological adjustment.

                As I mentioned earlier, I don’t know much about marriage; I don’t know the first thing about adjustment. But here’s a thought I’ve come up with: if you are capable of adaptation, forgiveness, and apology, there is nothing that can tear your marriage apart.

                For those of you that are married, I’m sure this is too simplistic. Marriage is complex; you have a billion problems, either between you and your spouse or just a fault in your spouse independent of you. But I ask you to be willing to adjust, to say sorry for things that you truly feel sorry about and forgive your spouse of their faults, even if they haven’t asked for an apology.

                When you make vows, you promise to stay together “for better or for worse.” That means your spouse can be better or worse; you are still married to them. You made your promises. It’s up to you to keep those promises.