Snowflake

Having just given birth two months ago, I spend a lot of time on Google trying to figure out what behaviors my baby "should be" exhibiting and how I "should be" taking care of him. I've made a major discovery: Google is right less than 50% of the time in describing my parenting experience. As an example, articles discuss how babies typically nurse for 15-20 minutes per feeding; my baby usually goes over 100. This isn’t because everyone on the internet is wrong and doesn’t understand babies—rather, I believe this is because every child is a unique combination of traits.

A popular quip states, “I once had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories.” Sometimes I think we consider parenting a task or an art that we can learn in a way that will universally apply, but the more I watch my own son in comparison to other babies the more I realize that each child is an art, and they make themselves in a lot of ways.

My parents raised my older sister, my younger brother, and I at roughly the same time with similar rituals, disciplinary action, and understanding of parenting. In total, we were all clustered in a 3 and a half year period. None of us turned out remotely the same. While my sister and I had similar types of play and somewhat similar obedience patterns, our personalities are wildly different, and we tackle issues—particularly issues of independence—very differently. I like to think of children as indivdual like snowflakes. Snowflakes form distinctly and they have a unique path to the ground.

Dr. Laurence Steinberg, author of 10 Principles of Good Parenting, discussed the idea of unique children in this way: “First-time parents almost always are staunch believers in nurture. They’re confident that the experiences they’ve provided their child have made [him or] her who [he or] she is. … Having a second child is often awakening. Parents look at their two children’s personalities and realize that they are [as distinct as] night and day—even though they’ve been raised in exactly the same way” (Steinberg, 2010, p. 70).

But what’s the point of knowing that children are unique? That doesn’t do us any good but give us something to ponder and observe in the behavior of our own children. I suppose it gives us soemthing to prepare for: if your first child behaves a certain way, it’s likely that your second child will come with either a differing or opposing behavior. I think there’s something deeper about parenting in this idea.

Steinberg mentioned that parents typically raise their children using the same methods (Steinberg, 2010). I think one of the greater challenges of parenting is avoiding this use of similar methods. This is perhaps an unrealistic example, but I think it will illustrate my point: say the set condition for playing video games in a given household is getting your chores done first. One of the sons—the older one and the child this rule is based on—loves video games and will get his chores done quickly so he can play with whatever time he has. The other son couldn’t be bothered, and just wants to play guitar and read books all day. His chores don’t get done because he isn’t motivated. The set punishment for not getting chores done is also based on the older son: you will stay in your room until it is clean. The second son doesn’t mind this punishment and would rather be in his room than anywhere else.

Again, this example may be unlikely or rarely heard of, but it addresses this important issue: raising your children as though they were copies of each other can create emotional, physical, and disciplinary imbalances. One child might need an earlier curfew than another; one child may need more parental attention or more time to play with friends than the others. Some children will follow rigid schedules and others—like mine—are incredibly spontaneous and don’t stick to a time-frame very well.

While I am new to parenting, I hope I am able to effectively stick to this idea and provide my children with unique environments. I can’t imagine that it’s easy; children are good at seeking your time and energy. For those that already have multiple children, I commend you for caring for each of them. While having net punishments and ways of life may be all you can do, I encourage you to strive for a lifestyle where you can treat your children as individuals, as distinct as snowflakes.

References

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting, 70. Simon & Schuster            Paperbacks. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/4de04ca1-9da9-4b75-bfd2-     1a87b913a12a/1/Parenting.pdf