Dating

                Once I learned how to walk, I also learned how to find the darkest corner of a social situation; the spotlight burned my confidence and I didn’t want eyes on me. I’m a born wallflower. Hanging out, friendships, dating, going out for an evening, talking during class—not for me. I didn’t enjoy any of it. People always talked about Prom like it was fun; I counted down the minutes until 10:00 every time I went to any dance, and I asked my dad to set an early curfew.

                Getting to college, I anticipated I would have to change and ask tons of guys out on dates. Somehow I imagined a magical transition; somehow I would become confident and happy and fluent in social cues.

                Asperger’s and anxiety balled up into a 17-year-old homeschooled student didn’t exactly help my efforts, and I never blossomed into the college scene.

                I still tried to go on dates … and discovered that while I was at home for school the world had muddied the dating waters: no one on my campus dated regularly. I didn’t think much of it (I was merely disappointed) until I started going to student assemblies and meetings. Faculty members and older adults, since the semester I began attending here, have persisted in pressing us to date. They presented statistics, religious concepts, and campus-wide surveys to show the value of dating.

                Mom and Dad went on tons of dates in college; my therapists and teachers went on plenty of dates in college. What happened?

                All of the dates turned to “hanging out,” or groups of boys and girls in large, mingling numbers.

                I hung out in big groups two or three times—but I never liked being around people in college. I thought I would grow up, but that’s all right; I have a friend or two now. I didn’t realize, as I hung out those few times, that most people fell into quick romantic relationships or hook-ups because they would hang out in huge groups.

                Most people perhaps find hanging out to be easier: dates require one person to pay for everything. Maybe they imply something bigger than a friendship. I’m sure the social implications of dating are different depending on where you are.

                I’m from a unique culture; we’re not too diverse in the little 1500-person Idahoan city. Dates were either a standard way to attend Prom or a way to get a significant other; there wasn’t really much of a thing like “casual dating.” And in the rest of the world there really isn’t “casual dating” either.

                But is this truly a problem? Is there anything wrong with it? If hanging out is more relaxed, then it should be better … right?

                Not really.

                Hanging out in a group environment cuts off your capacity to interact one on one. Imagine if you hung out with an incredibly young lady, or young man, for three months and decided to get married or cohabit. I don’t know how common that is; it certainly wasn’t my experience. Regardless: how much would you really know about your significant other? They could tell you every empirical detail about themselves, everything they aspired to be. You could have their autobiography memorized.

                But what would that say about their character?

                Here’s something beautiful that dating offers unlike any other form of male-female interaction: dating offers you a position where you can see your partner’s responsibility level, their behaviors over a variety of activities, and so on.

                I’ve had it described to me in a way I’ll never forget, mostly because I acted on it—say a young man takes a young lady on a hike, and he provides the food. What does she learn about him? She learns about how well he deals with small hardships, like a hike. She learns whether or not he’s patient with her if she’s slow, or if he’s persistent should she be faster than he. She learns that he’s willing to provide. What does he learn about her? He learns whether or not she has good endurance; whether or not she complains; whether or not she’s grateful for his efforts.

                This is one example of hundreds; any unique, simple date can help you learn more about your significant other than hanging out in an apartment ever will.

HOT TOPIC - Gender as Identity

The Associated Press Stylebook commands the world of journalist language. I had the opportunity to review the word choices of journalists for a class in Spring 2018, and discovered just how picky journalists are. Don’t say “12:00 PM”; “noon” is the right term. Include the names of countries in the introduction, unless it’s a major city, such as London or Seattle.

These nuances didn’t bother me too much, but I stumbled across one entry that changed only in the last year or two. Gender is not interchangeable with sex, according to the AP Stylebook. “Gender refers to a person’s social identity while sex refers to biological characteristics,” the Stylebook insists.

Socially, when did this happen? The term “gender” came from the Latin “genus,” which meant birth, family, or nation. Historically, “gender” divided the world in two: male and female. Gender and sex were synonymous.

Over the last decade, men and women have expressed that they do not follow the social norms stereotypical of members of male and female sexes; therefore, they’ve concluded, they are not truly of one sex or another. Facebook has a “Custom” entry for gender, and there are currently 71 registered genders (some are synonymous with each other, so roughly 50 actual gender denominations) on the website.

In light of these changes, I feel that there is some legitimacy to the claims of those who feel that they are a different gender from the sex they were born into. As a culture, we have placed emotional, physiological, and biological stereotypes on men and women that aren’t accurate 100% of the time. I agree that boys should not have to identify with all masculine activities and preferences; girls should not have to identify with all feminine activites and preferences.

I feel not only that this is a reason for people to be confused about gender, but it might be the root cause. Some boys are nurturing and empathetic; some girls are more aggressive or action-oriented. If there is any truth in the gender revolution, it is this: men and women do not necessarily follow their stereotypes. There is a continuum of behavior.

I think taking these societal misconceptions to the level of changing gender is the wrong solution. We overemphasize the incorrectness of cultural assumptions. Truly, the best thing we can do is accept the continuum of behavior without the complexity of gender confusion. If we are reaching for universal tolerance, it is counterintuitive to suggest that men must act masculine in all ways, and that if he is not entirely masculine then he must not be 100% man.

Society presses this continuum of gender identity so hard that tolerance has been squeezed out while we are trying to achieve tolerance. Society chastises those who don’t tolerate varying genders; society teases “effeminate” boys. Tolerate everything, as society would say—unless it doesn’t fit our rules.

There are also dangers to gender confusion. While one well-meaning transgender man-turned-woman legally uses a woman’s bathroom, another man could use that as a guise to attack a woman. I won’t generalize and say all members of the gender movement are attempting to do something wrong; I believe that most of them are doing what they truly feel is right. But I do firmly believe that making new genders is not the best way to express yourself; accept what sex or gender you are and create the best you can with it. I think this would better encourage personal freedom, simplify society, and help us to find our identity in a way that simultaneously embraces our sex and gender alike.

Balancing elements of this topic is difficult, and I hope you don’t take my opinion as non-negotiable. Find your own evidences; start a discussion. Figure out the truth. And have a great week!

Pilgrim

                We call my mother the “Disneyland Pilgrim.” Born in San Diego and raised to seek solace in Disney movies, my mother would take our modest family of 4 children—while my father taught high school in a tiny town in Idaho—to Disneyland every 2 years or so. Since then, we have taken three families to Disneyland who never had an opportunity until my mother showed them the optimal time and financial way to get it done. Before my two younger siblings were born, my parents didn’t have a lot of money, so my mother had to discover how to make it work.

                Thus I experienced my first culture change before I was 2 years old.

                I remember the first time I acknowledged what was different about California. I was probably 6 or 7 at the time. The women were dressed differently; cigarette smoke flooded my nose; people were loud and tan. For a decade after visiting California, I thought I knew what the world was made of.

                I’ve been learning for the past two years what’s really out there. Sex trafficking, domestic abuse, the plight of refugees, divorce, and severe depression crush the lives of millions. I’m going to continue learning, but a particular issue caught my attention this last week.

                Trump parades the idea of building a wall along the Mexican border to stop the flood of immigrants. Americans protest that Mexicans should stop migrating here; it’s illegal without documents and it’s dangerous for us. Other Americans protest that anyone should have the freedom to arrive here looking for a new opportunity—isn’t that where we came from?

                I hear about all these debates. I’m not very involved in politics; I’m more interested in individuals. But I recently learned that Mexican immigration is not in the hundreds as I imagined: a number of sites say that the number is somewhere in the millions.

                Maybe this still wouldn’t matter to me, or people like me. It’s still a political and economic issue, right? I care about emotional implications and family structure more than major, mathematical consequences.

                I was introduced to an article, “The Costs of Getting Ahead” (Martica Bacallao, Paul R. Smokowski) that analyzed a study of Mexican undocumented immigrant families. Sure: there are economic and political reasons to be on the side of Mexican families or against them. I won’t deny the fact that the consequences of immigration are enormous. This particular article focused instead on the family structure consequences.

                In a highly condensed summary, the article focused on 10 families that they found and heard their stories. 12 teens and 14 parents were interviewed. The immigration process required the father of the family to leave the family for years; he would make money in the States and send it home, waiting for them to come back.

                Many teens reported rifts due to this separation. Mothers and fathers had to readjust to balancing power; teens had to adjust to not being one of the parents in the home. Fathers lost a lot of their emotional connections.

                This was not the only consequence. One daughter, “Nohemi” (name changed by article to protect identity), reported not seeing her father for as long as a three-day period; families were distanced and individuals were isolated even living in the same house. This daughter lamented: “[S]ometimes I don’t see my dad for three days … I go to school, then I go to work and sometimes, I get home late at night, and he’s already sleeping when I come home. And the next day, it’s the same thing.” They became lonely as many Americans now are.

                Having both parents required to work jobs also caused difficulties. One father, “Miguel,” commented on how he used to come home to an energetic and loving family. He said it was easier to recover from the stresses of work when his family was there to love and support him. Now he says his home is “empty and cold” when he comes home; no one is there to welcome him.

                I read this article and thought, “Why move away from a place where you are happy even if you weren’t exactly wealthy?” I sorrowed for them and wished they had been able to find happiness here, since they wanted to leave home.

                Moving to the United States was not exactly motivated by a need to get rich as I expected; the father often abandoned a familiar work environment where he was respected to being thrown to the bottom of the totem pole, trying to understand a language he never had to speak before. This was not because they wanted economic advantage. They revealed that their primary motive was to give their children a better chance for the future.

                I wish I could give all of their personal accounts and express how much I yearn to mend a family, but I can’t. I hope that, whatever your political opinions are, you can walk away knowing better what some of your neighbors come from. Perhaps you will have greater capacity to change a single life.

Parents of Wal-Mart

                My eyes have very specific roles in a grocery store. The first is to spot all the expensive or sugary items I know I shouldn’t buy. The second is to scan the aisles for people I know so I can hide until I’m surrounded by strangers again. The third is to watch mothers interacting with their phones while children sit or stand, begging for attention or quietly pondering to themselves.

                Being a perfectionist, I always frowned at these situations: children often spiraled towards aggressive, obnoxious, or loud behaviors while hoping for the attention of Mom or Dad. Couldn’t they do something more persuasive than abrupt? Couldn’t parents pay more attention?

                Of course, these were the musings of a young teenager. I’m not much older now, and I’m not a parent yet. But as my life has gotten busier and parenthood has become an impending reality, I’ve recognized why parents don’t listen to the every whim of their child. There simply is too much to pay attention to; while children are precious and important, they can’t occupy all of your attention without forcing you to put their lifestyle in jeopardy. Sometimes you have to do the work, pay the bills, and negotiate with teachers, coaches, or secretaries about policy.

                But it’s painful on the other side: I remember feeling invisible as a kid, although not because my parents berated me when I called their name too many times in a row. They were incredible parents, but all of my siblings had my perfectionistic tendencies: any time one of them felt that the world wasn’t right or they weren’t good enough, they would flock to Mom’s side for help. They each asserted their own position, and continue to do so.

                With my innate shyness, I lost the capacity to communicate with my wonderful parents.

                My situation isn’t the same as that for most children, but I would have been crushed if my parents ever rejected me for sake of time or concentration. They always put us first; my mother and father were willing to sacrifice anything for family.

                Perhaps that is where my judgmental nature came from; I watched my parents do what other adults might call ridiculous, unnecessary, or impossible and make their spouse and children the best of life. We were as involved as possible in family decisions from a young age, and my parents sacrificed to provide us with piano lessons.

                Not all parents are like that; for some reason I was blessed with parents that I know I didn’t deserve. But my point is that child persistence against lack of parental response is something we can change if we are in families. For those that aren’t in families at the moment, consciously developing the strength to listen can help you. That will bring your future children—as well as your friends and spouse—closer to you, if that’s truly what you want out of your life.

                For current parents: you have it rough. You’re trying to be a good parent. Sometimes you can’t listen to your children. But if you find that you know more about effective strategies for winning Bejeweled than you know about connecting with your children, maybe think about what you want to prioritize in your life. Maybe Bejeweled is more important to you, but I think you’ll find more peace in your life if you listen to your children.

                For everyone: I challenge you just to listen once this week more than you would have. You have lots of projects and responsibilities, but maybe set one aside for 10 minutes when someone approaches you with something to say. I promise that efforts to give just a little time will have great results. Have a great week!

Blogs Like Mine

Hey! If you're interested in similar content, I'm following a heck ton of blogs that have lots to say about the family. I can't get them to show up on my profile, so I'm putting them here.

A Cordova View on Why Familia Matters  http://cordova-familiamatters.blogspot.com/
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Ashlyn Hobbs Blogs http://ashlynhobbs7.blogspot.com/
Audrey Kaydrey Blogs http://audreykaydrey1.blogspot.com/
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familiesandchildren.blogspot.com/ https://familiesandchildren.blogspot.com/
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familythis https://jamesjennah.wixsite.com/familythis
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Jordan Hudson https://jordanhudsons.wordpress.com
Kendra's Korner  http://kendraskornerfamily.blogspot.com/
KFAM http://kfamilyrelations.blogspot.com/
L.O.V.E = T.I.M.E http://famalii.blogspot.com/
Leavin' It To Beaver http://leavinittobeaver.blogspot.com/
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Makayla Carter https://makaylacarter.wordpress.com
Marriage and Family Relations http://jamesrichensfamilyrelations.blogspot.com/
Mysite https://jense2am.wixsite.com/mysite
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The Family in a Modern World http://mbfamilytoday.blogspot.com/
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The Reher Deal http://monqiuereher.blogspot.com/
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WHAT IS "NORMAL?" - Home https://terinbp.weebly.com/
Whose Your Family? http://whoseyourfamily.blogspot.com/