I learned something fascinating about the nature of love this week that I'd like to share. Usually when I think about the expression of love, I think of visible actions: my mother shows love by listening to her children; my husband takes on responsibilities that are too difficult for me to handle; the Savior went about "doing good." But there is an important aspect to love that I think we all miss, and that is a crucial part in the development of charity in one's heart and the promotion of peace in the world around us.
That aspect is being loving in your internal reactions.
I mentioned the love of Jesus Christ a moment ago, and studying His life patterns is what caused me to think of this. At the beginning of Mark 3, Christ sees a man with a withered hand "in the synagogue" on the Sabbath. In a manifestation of external love, Christ heals the hand of the man--but not without some opposition from nearby scribes and Pharisees. They had hoped to accuse Him of healing on the Sabbath.
In Mark 3:4, Christ asks them whether He ought to work good or evil on the Sabbath, and they have no response. After recording His statement, Mark included the Savior's feelings: "[H]e looked round about on [the Pharisees] in anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts ..."
I'm sure anger is a natural response in us all in the face of unrighteous opposition--or any opposition, for many. I don't know how often we grieve for loved ones in the heat of a fight or during a period of time where we believe a close companion is to blame.
Think about the last time you fought your sibling, your spouse, your parent, your friend. What did you feel? How did you think of them, of their argumentative point? I'm going to take a wild guess and say you might not have felt sorry for them at the time. It is difficult to empathize or feel anything but anger and the desire to be right.
While Christ exhibited righteous anger, His focus was on the hearts of the Pharisees and His reaction to their state of being was sorrow. He didn't push the matter further either; they didn't respond to His question, and He didn't goad them on.
I think we could all take a very definite pattern of behavior from this short, 5-verse story: if you are struggling to love someone, look on the heart. Even if you find a lack of willingness to resolve in your loved one's heart, being Christlike will cause you to feel sorrow rather than rage, and subsequently avoid doing something you would regret.
My favorite example of this is a story told by a respected professor of mine. He was a therapist for many years prior to teaching, and he had a client who was adamantly against functional therapy methods. My professor tried everything with him, but during one session the client became furious and began swearing at my professor, saying that he didn't care about the client and only wanted to make money out of these useless sessions.
My professor had gotten fed up by this point and told the client to leave. But as the client approached the door, my professor began analyzing the conversation and said, "You're right." He coaxed the client back into the session and apologized for not being the therapist that the client needed, and treatments were more successful from that point onward.
The Savior was perfect and didn't have to admit any faults to the Pharisees, and perhaps once in a lifetime we will be faced with such an occasion where we are in the right and empathizing will not cause us to admit our faults. I imagine, though, that most cases of seeking to sorrow for an enemy or argumentative loved one will cause us to see faults in ourselves.
Thus I believe that not only does an expression of love based on internal focus cause us to love others more effectively in the moment, but it humbles us and enables us to love more capably in the future. A softened heart--and a desire to soften the hearts of others, not tear them down and prove them wrong--will provide our families and lives with peace and the charity of Christ.
