Marriage
has sustained society—providing sexual partnerships, lasting commitment, and
financial stability—for every known civilization in history. For thousands of
years, we have relied on legal matrimony to tie men to women and family to
family. It was a tried-and-true building block. So why doesn’t it seem to be
working anymore?
My
home is anything but broken. I shouldn’t have any useful “preaching” to hand
off to the world by my personal experience alone. My parents have been happily
married for over 20 years; my sister is happily married and pregnant with her
first baby; my siblings and I all get along; I am in a beautiful, if not sometimes
diffficult, relationship myself. My personal answer to my titular question,
then, is a resounding yes! Marriage has worked for my family in so many ways.
But
I’m not here to talk about the perfect home life. I’m here to talk about the abiding,
undeniable realities many of you face: some of you have been crushed by
divorce, your own or that of a beloved friend or family member. Some of you
have been abused by family you wish you could have trusted, be that sexually, physically,
emotionally, or verbally. Some of you have been cheated on, thrown around,
mistreated, beaten, and forgotten. No, I haven’t physically been there. I do,
however, feel deeply for those of you that have been impacted in some way by a
broken family—or perhaps even no family at all. I have been hurt, depressed,
anxious, guilty, and powerless. Maybe, then, we can come together with what you
know about the pains of life and the experiences or information I can offer
that will help you create a better future. This will not be accomplished in one
post, but I will do it over the course of the entire blog. This particular entry
will focus on divorce, and a little on cohabitation.
The
first thing I will emphasize: a lasting marriage is possible, and it truly will
give you a way to find satisfaction and happiness. Divorce is perhaps one of
the most daunting subjects in terms of marriage. We frequently hear that half
of all new marriages this year will someday end up in divorce. Let me reassure you
that the statistic is not as accurate as all that. This statistic comes from the
National Marriage Project in 2003, performed in the United States. Divorce
rates are difficult to calculate, but this project performed a complex calculation
of marriage versus divorce rates in the 1970s and 80s. Since 1982, according to
Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy
(8th edition Lauer & Lauer, 2012), divorce rates have declined.
But when the National Marriage Project did their research, aimed at the 70s and
early 80s, projected divorce rates would have ended up at 50%. The statistic
now is a little more vague, depending on how you want to calculate it.
That’s
just the statistical side of it. For those of you who have been through a
divorce, I can only imagine how hurt you would be. “Sure, the statistics aren’t
as bad as we thought they were. But when my parents got divorced, I was
shattered. How am I supposed to maintain a healthy marriage when it isn’t even
possible? How can you only talk about statistics when fragile, valuable human
feelings are on the line?”
Perhaps
that’s a melodramatic way to put it; I’m not sure. But the point is that there
is more to divorce than the numbers—every child and every ex-spouse involved in
a divorce (in the majority of cases) experiences incredible pain. I don’t want
to downplay that reality, and I understand being afraid of something that you
have never watched succeed. I’ve certainly felt that fear. I will focus more on
methods later on, but right now I want to say that there is hope for any of you
that feel like you can’t make a marriage work. Your future is not defined by
the actions of anyone else. Even if you have been through a divorce before, you
have the option to keep it going.
The
biggest secret to continuing a successful marriage, according to all of my
study on the topic, is this: never give up on your partner or yourself. That sounds
a little banal, but it’s true. Work for marriage like you would for money, and it
will become even more valuable to you. Maybe you don’t think marriage is right
for you or worth undying effort, but if you desire a happy marriage, working
for it will make it sacred to you.
I hope this helps you with your family struggles or some doubts you may have about marriage. Comment below with questions, opinions, advice, or anything else you feel the need to share. Have a brilliant week!
